Joke Archive 8

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle, especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed.

"Please dear, I need help," she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

"The second hole? When is he coming?"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."

A mommy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an iceberg.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?"

Mommy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear."

A few minutes pass.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?"

Mommy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear!"

A few minutes pass.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?"

Mommy bear: "Look! You are a Polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

Baby bear: "I'm bloody freezing!!"

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

One time when a daughter was home visiting her folks, her mom asked her to help prepare dinner. She opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" she asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" she asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 10 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A guy helped a friend buy a computer because he said he was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked for his advice.

"I'm sorry," he told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase."

"Oh that's just great," he responded, "not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too!"

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!"

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says, "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year??"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop Christmas trees came to pass...

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great.

The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".

The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."

"Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

"What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked.

The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

To Contact Me: