Jokes

Due to rising safety concerns by women, especially with secluded, ill-lit parking lots, the Melbourne City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first WO (women only) parking lot in Australia.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Upon his visit to the doctor, Mr. Smith says, "Boy, ya know Doc, I haven't been feeling well lately."

"Really? Well, let's give you an exam," says the doctor.

So, after a rather long and thorough exam, the doctor tells Mr. Smith, "I'm so sorry Mr. Smith, but I'm afraid that you only have ten days to live."

"TEN DAYS!" cried Mr. Smith. "Ten days. My God Doc, isn't there anything I can do?"

"Well there is one thing you could try..." says the Doctor.

"Anything! Anything - what is it?" pleads Mr. Smith.

"Well, you could go down to the beauty parlor and get a mud pack every day."

Somewhat surprised by the answer, Mr. Smith replies, "Really Doc, will that really help?"

"Well no, not really," says the doctor. "But, it may get you used to the dirt."

A lady fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. It makes your nose look long."

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"

The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

These two men walked into a bar.

"What do you want to drink, Donkey?" one of the men asked.

"A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness A..a pint of Guinness please."

The other man goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate Donkey." The guy takes the drinks back. "Here you go,Donkey."

Later when they finished their drinks the guy says to Donkey, "It's your round Donkey. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."

Donkey goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness please."

When the barman was sure Donkey's friend wasn't listening he said, "I think it's an awful cheek him calling you Donkey."

"Oh," Donkey replies, "He..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that."

One day an English fighter pilot was shot down over Germany. When the pilot was captured by the enemy soldiers, his leg was wounded and they had to amputate it.

The pilot asked, "Could you please drop my leg over my base in England." Even though this was an odd request, they did it. A while later, his other leg was injured and had to be cut off too. Once again he asked for them to drop his leg over his base in England, and again they did it. Later on, his arm was wounded and it had to be removed.

Again he asked for them to drop it off over his base in England, but this time they wouldn't do it. He asked them why they wouldn't and they said, "Ve dink you're trying to escape."

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