Joke Archive 11

Darwin Awards

Hard to believe, but another year has passed... and we have once again found the Darwin Award Winning Nominees.

For those who don't know it, the Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way...

[Named Darwin Awards because it is hoped that "survival of the fittest" means something. Hopefully these idiots haven't passed along theirstupidity.]

The nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however,and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., wakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which Discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his Shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest "members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things).

It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.

Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas."

Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.

Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.

Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.9, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis,38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday light, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle.

The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me.

I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," Said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

(Way to go, Lavinia. Go Arkies.)

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

In a television game, partners have to answer the same questions. If both partners give the same answer, they'll win a great prize.

A couple decides to join the game.

First, the guy has to answer two questions, so the girl is taken backstage.

The host asks the man when was the last time he and his girlfriend had sex.

"Well, that would be Friday," the guy responds. "Where did you do that?" the host asks. "On the kitchen table."

After this, the guy is taken backstage and the girl comes back.

The host asks the first question. "Friday," the girl responds.

"Where?"

The girl looks a little ashamed. "Do I really have to tell that?" she asks. "If you want to win the prize, you have to," the host answers.

"Well...ok...from behind."

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

A doctor was an orthodox Jew who accustomed to wearing a yarmulke (head covering).

One night, he was called to the ER for a woman with pelvic pain. After performing a full pelvic examination, he informed her that surgery was necessary and left to make the arrangements.

The nurse entered and asked, "Did the doctor explain everything to your satisfaction?"

The woman replied "I haven't seen the doctor yet."

The nurse said, "But I thought I spoke to him about you."

The woman answered, "No, the only person who's been in here is a Rabbi."

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"

A man is about to have sex with a really large woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

A drunk came from a bar at two o'clock in the morning and promptly walked into the nearest light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post carefully with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four times, examining all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped down on the curb and buried his head in his hands.

"It's no use," he sobbed. "I'm walled in."

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station.

Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaaa-Hoooooo!" and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?" "Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

A man is driving late one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving?"

"No," replies the policeman, "you were driving fine. It's the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.

"Help, help!" she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!"

"Okay, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."

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