Joke Archive 9

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight.

The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"

She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."

The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor." The girl eagerly accepted the offer.

After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"

The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married' don't you?"

"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.

Three guys are going to go to jail and each gets one request before they get put away for a year. The first guy says, "I want a year's supply of beer." So the guards give him his beer and put him away.

The next guy says, "I want a woman." So they give him a woman and lock him up.

Then, the third guy says, "I want a year's supply of cigarettes. So, they give him his cigarettes and lock him up.

A year goes by and the guards come around to let the three guys out. The first guy comes out totally drunk. The second guy says, "We're getting married!"

Then, the third guy says, "Anyone got a match?"

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer." Harry says, "How can you tell?"

George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant - first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," he replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and in my sleep. Strange dreams in my mind, began to creep.

Thanksgiving leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation,

Up to the kitchen I did race, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky, With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees. HAPPY EATING TO ALL! PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."

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